What's Your Proposal?

Where do you draw the line between “the things you teach your children so that they can take care of themselves” and “letting them be a kid”?

I see these as two parallel tracks that intertwine, not two separate things...

And although I do not conduct regular quarterly performance reviews w/my wife in lieu of “regular” conversations about our relationship, my children (all under the age of 10) are not so lucky! I've been teaching my two youngest ones negotiation skills since they could form their thoughts and desires into a semi-coherent sentence, and will start teaching my son (the middle child) project management skills this year (he is in the second grade).

My hope is that:

1. they will be easier to manage & relate to when they are teenagers (I am an optimist, and of course, I think all of my children are mature geniouses...!)

2. they will feel more in control of their thoughts, actions and behaviors, and be more willing to be held accountable for the consequences of their actions (I told you I was an optimist!)

3. Worst case scenario - they will at least be more marketable and ready for the work place when they are older (and not living on Mom & Dad's couch post-college).

Most of the people I've told this to have laughed nervously and told me that they think it's overkill. I just look at it as imparting the benefit of my experiences to them – I've managed projects, and from a certain perspective (and allowing for the many contextual differences), what's the difference in the disciplines and thought processes one has to apply in successfully managing a 9-month server consolidation and a 9-month course load?

In school, they give you the guts of the project plan (called a Syllabus) with defined milestones (various exam and project due dates, etc.). Why shouldn't I help my kids get 10 years of project management experience and thinking, by the time they enter college? Franklin Covey even makes time management tools targeted specifically for the college demographic, so I don't think
I'm entirely alone in thinking this way...

My wife (who is definitely my better half!) has been very supportive of this approach. And the neat thing is that the kids have really responded to it...

Their earliest negotiations comprised them making a proposal of pre-bedtime activities, where they had to give us at least 3 (but no more than 5) options of something they wanted to do before going to bed (e.g. - reading story A, reading story B, playing a video game, playing with a certain toy or watching a certain video). Mom & I then had the option of either accepting those alternatives and picking one, negotiating with them on their proposal, or else we could say that none of their proposed options were acceptable and they had to formulate a new proposal. This gave them control over their own lives and showed them a pathway to success in getting what they want.

What about when they can't agree w/each other, like having the same story read to them, or watching the same movie? I make them negotiate w/each other (and I provide some supervision to that process, now and then, so one sibling doesn't feel like they always get the upper hand).

What about whining? Early on we established a rule: “If you whine the answer is “No”.” End of story. No discussion (and yes, I made the assumption that if they were in pain then they wouldn't be whining...). As a result – any time the kids start to whine all we have to do is ask the question, “What's the answer if you whine?” and they either say “No” or they reformulate their statement in a more acceptable manner. We don't yell, raise our voices or negotiate w/them on this; they understand the rule and live by it.

The lesson for them is that – from a very early age – they know that if they are going to get what they want in life, then they had better be prepared. Part of my job as a parent is to prepare them to be successful the best way I know how.

Will this work? Is this the right approach? Am I being too hard on them or too demanding? Will they still be able to “be a kid”? Who knows...I am sure that in the course of my parenting I will give them plenty of neurosis to sustain a wealthy lifestyle for some therapist in the future.

Until then, I'll gage my results (in part) on the behavior and demeanor of my kids – they are happy, they absolutely love each other and my wife and I, and they seem to like doing “grown up stuff” like negotiating and project management. I've recently started talking to my second grader about how the world of work is changing, and that people in other countries, whom he's never met, are already trying to work much harder and smarter than he is, in order to get ahead and compete in the Global Economy. Those are the people he is competing against, not the other kids in his class. And do you know what he said?

“Dad, if the kids in India, Japan and China, and the kids in Europe and Germany and France are all good at different things, then why can't they all just work on different parts of the same project with me? Because then we could all work together and we could all be happy and and help our families...”

I think I'm getting through to him...I hope I am open enough as I grow older to let him get through to me...